I'm angry Chloe
by aca-aus
Summary: Sorrrrrryyyyy this is pretty angsty
1. Chapter 1

18/05/12

Dear Chloe,

It's been two days since I last saw you and it hasn't been great. I can't close my eyes and not think of you, I can't go on Facebook without looking at your profile to see if anything has changed.

I sent out the invites to me 21st – couldn't send you one. It's a onesie-themed party – all I could think about was that epic day on the couch when we were both wearing onesies. You told me that you were falling in love with me – I think you already knew that you loved me, I could see it in the way you looked at me.

I'm trying my best to hate you – I just want my feelings toward you to change. I've been thinking about when I cried in front of you and it felt like you pitied me. And when you made me give you one of my mixes – I don't think you realized what a huge deal that was for me. And how you got drunk a few times and told me things that would give me hope, and then you'd take them away the next day – like when you told me you loved me, I don't blame you for taking that back but it hurt.

I hate the way we left things but I blame myself for that – I can't believe how stupid I was, I've never felt worse my entire life. The car ride felt like a mixture of physical illness and emotional instability. It felt like every time I had to pull over to throw up, I was just throwing up the little parts of me that are connected to you. It hurts Chlo and most of all I just want to talk to my friend about it, but she isn't there either.

I'm trying to get over you - but its too hard. I need to hate you – but I know I'm just fooling myself.

I love you

Xx Beca

* * *

19/05/12

Dear Chloe,

I saw Amy this morning – I had to give her back some of her stuff. She asked me how I was; I smiled and said I was dealing with it. She described it as a break up (what we went through) and I realized she was right. It was the first time I thought of it that way.

I saw some friends today for lunch - Jess and Stacy. Jess is the one who knows the whole story, she asked me about it but I couldn't talk about it. We were in the car and she talked to me about how her feelings for her ex just fizzled away, she didn't believe they would but they did. Hers is a really similar situation to ours but they had years together and I can't help but think that she doesn't understand.

No one understands.

I miss you

Xx Beca

* * *

19/05/12

Dear Chloe,

Fuck I miss you

Xx Beca

* * *

20/05/12

Dear Chloe,

There's some gross and some weird news for you today.

The gross news is that this morning I got up and went to brush my teeth and found that my toothbrush was wet. I asked Stacy if she used it, and she goes 'which one is yours?' – I said 'the orange one' – she said 'no…that's Rob's…'

It turns out that for the last few months I have mistakenly been using the same toothbrush as Stacy's boyfriend because I thought it was my home toothbrush and it turns out it was his actual stay-over toothbrush. I didn't have the heart to tell her, I just told her I left mine in the shower. I promptly went and bought a new toothbrush today – an electric one so there will definitely be no mix up next time. It was whack.

Weird news is that we both posted on the same fb comment (the one CR posted in the Bella's group) – I just liked your comment so you knew I was still thinking about you. It's the same reason I commented on your pic in the onesies – I just wanted you to know I got home safe. It felt like a ghost of contact with you.

I had coffee with Amy this afternoon and she asked if I wanted to talk about you and the whole situation, I couldn't. I realized on the way home that I was being super over-dramatic about this whole thing. I'm acting like it's the end of the world that we aren't speaking. I'm being stupid. I'll see you in less than 3 weeks. I'm going to stop being a drama queen. I still miss you but I'll see you soon and we can pretend to be just friends, I don't think we will be just friends, not for a while anyway. We kept saying how the holidays were coming at a good time; I don't think they were, I wish we had more time in our dream world before this suckiness. What sucks more is that I know you'll be in LA some of the time and it would be so easy for us to hang out.

Basically I need to chill. As I'm sure you are, I bet you're all shacked up with Tom and you aren't even thinking about me. I wish I knew. I kept a copy of your number, I wrote it down on a piece of paper and put it into an old jewelry box that I put at the bottom of my cupboard underneath all my shoes. I put a sticky not on it saying 'are you sure you want to do this?' I wanted to make sure that even when I'm drunk ill have to take time and think about it before I can call you. I know you need space from me and me calling you will make things harder for you. It's so hard to stay away.

I miss my friend.

Xx Beca


	2. Chapter 2

7/06/12

Dear Chloe,

I'm angry Chlo, I'm furious. I can't get it out of my head. I can't get your words out, they just go around and around. That loving me feels wrong, that you can't do it. When I asked you if you really wanted to stop and you said yes without hesitation. It sounds like you're just afraid. You wont take the plunge with me. You're a coward Chloe. How can we go from lying on the couch with you telling me these awful things to crying together and holding each other to touching each other and kissing the way we do? The things that you tell me, the things that you say wont leave me alone. I can't get through the day without thinking about you. It really feels like you don't care about me. It feels like you needed someone and I just happened to be available. I know that's not true, I know you felt something for me but right now I just feel used and it's the worst I think I've ever felt. I wish you could just be.

I put on a brave face this morning and said that we'll be fine but I don't think we will be for a while. I want to be friends with you because you're my best friend but you've hurt me so badly that I feel like I'm breaking into a thousand tiny pieces, every time you've hurt me I feel like I just used masking tape to hold myself together but there's no permanent solution. My heart breaking completely was always what was going to happen.

I felt like the biggest idiot in the world just lying there with tears rolling down my cheeks while you tried to comfort me. Comforting me by stroking my cheek in a way that you never will again. Holding me in your arms when you know that you don't want to be with me. And then you started crying and I felt like the worst person in the world. I felt like I had to put aside how crap I felt to make sure you were ok – that's what I've done every time drama flares up between us, I try to put my feelings aside so I can make sure you're ok and its too hard. As soon as I see you getting your little furrowed brow I know I have to stop saying what I'm saying or doing what im doing and recently I just don't know how.

You drive me crazy. I'm such a girl I can't even say these things to your face because I know it would hurt you to know these things that I'm thinking. You'd feel sorry for me or feel like you had to take care of me. I don't want to talk to Amy or Stacy about it because all they'll be able to say is 'I told you so'. Everyone has told me to back off away from you from day 1 of this saga, I should have listened.

I can't even joke about being with other people but you're already planning your rogue stage. I know I told you I would probably go rogue, do you want to know why? Three reasons. 1. So I can appear to everyone like everything's normal. 2. So I can get sex with you out of my head. 3. To make you hurt, I want to make you jealous, I want you to see me with someone else so that you'll realise that you only want to see me with you.

You always want to know what's going on inside my head, it's not pretty is it? It's mean and cold and infuriating. You've already been through so much and yet I want to hurt you more because if you hurt more than I do then maybe ill feel better. Its not true of course, any psychologist could pull apart these motives in seconds and even I know this plan of action would make me feel worse not better, but its what I've always done.

I'm never the one who hurts, I'm never the one who's left out in the cold and its only now that I realise why I've spent my life avoiding this situation.

I know you're just better at hiding emotion than I am but it really feels like you don't care, that this was just a passing phase, some kind of entertainment for you. Joking, laughing and smiling is such an effort for me but it seems like its natural to you. That if you can get me to feel better then you wont have to worry about this and in a few years you can tell everyone that you had a lesbian romance at uni – how scandalous. Fuck Chlo, I hate being so angry and jealous and upset, that's not who I am. It's what you're making me. I feel like you bring out the best, most happy side of me when we're together but now is the darkest part of me that I've ever seen. I just want you to love me the way I love you.

What gets me the most is how happy we were (or I was) when we were at my house. Just the two of us hanging out, doing whatever we wanted. It was the most fun I've had in so long, it was just so easy to pretend that it could always be that way that I think a small part of me thought it could be. I think the tiny part in my head (the optimistic part) fooled the rest of my brain into believing that we could be happy. That it was all some big game, that we go through the motions of pretending to do the right thing by 'the dorm' and 'society' but always end up back in your bed, being as close as ever.

Its not the sex that I'm going to miss, its that closeness and intimacy that we have. That's going to disappear.

I even wrote a list of all the ways you make me love you. Look how organised you've made me.

The way we look into each others eyes and smile. The way we curl our fingers into each others hands. The way we take turns being the big spoon. The way we undress each other. The way we kiss each others nipples. The way our bodies react to each other. The way we hold each other. The way we touch each other. The way we know what we like. The way we moan and gasp when we touch each other. The way we get wet when the other is. The way we stroke each others cheeks. The way we push each others hair behind our ears. The way we whisper to each other. The way we cum and relax and cum again and again. The way we like going down on each other. The way we hold each other in our arms. The way we stroke each others hair. The way we fall asleep cuddling. The way we wake up and start touching each other before we even say a word. The way we kiss each others necks and lips. The way we talk about the intensity of our orgasms. The way we forgo sleep to have sex. The way we lick each others bodies.

The way you say my name when I'm touching you. The way you tell me what you like. The way you touch my body. The way you lick my stomach all the way down to my hips. The way your tongue feels against my clit. The way you gasp and pant and push me away when you cum. The way you get wet so quickly. The way you make me cum so quickly. The way you turn me on with your kisses and your words. The way you push your body close to mine when you're on the edge. The way you look at me when I'm touching you. The way you look sleepy when we start kissing. The way you sigh when you've cum. The way you hug me when you're the big spoon. The way you tell me I'm beautiful. The way you try to shake it off when I say it back. The way you call me sexy. The way you make me laugh with the silly things you say. The way you tell me what's on your mind. The way you want me around you. The way you talk about sex. The way you love to cuddle. The way you look after me. The way you put your hand on my leg in the car. The way you like the things I do. The way you let me talk about wanky things like mythology and just go with it. The way you text me about everything you do in the day. The way you always wake up looking stunning. The way your eyes change colour. The way you like my quirks. The way you open up to me. The way you let me be there for you and with you. The way you make my heart speed up when you lean in to kiss me. The way you like it when I tease you. The way you satisfy me. The way we both hate talking about our feelings. The way you missed me when we werent talking. The way you came into my world.

Its selfish of me to send you this. It will make everything more difficult for you. I doubt you want to know this much of whats going on inside me. I know this is a bad idea because you'll use all these things I've said as evidence that I'm not ok. It'll make you worry about me, and make you hate me probably. I know it's the wrong thing to do but in a selfish way, in the blackest part of my mind, I want you to know.

Beca


End file.
